Maternity leave-the PRIVILEGE, and the PREJUDICE.

When my daughter was 9 months old, I found myself sitting on the floor of a toilet stall, crying my eyes out at, the office. It was that breathless, sobbing, ugly cry. The kind of cry, I had last had when my dog died. As a form of relief, I reached for my phone and wrote these words,

“When it pulls you off your feet to the bathroom floor, tears streaming down your face, you have to ask yourself, is it worth it?” It was in that moment I decided I’d leave my current job, and 5 months later, I did.

This is an all too common scenario for moms returning from maternity leave. In a survey by the people management¹ website, it was found that more than a third of women felt unsupported and isolated on their return that they considered handing in their notice.

For me, it was a culmination of events as well as, my own ego and emotions at play. I am human, after all. I returned to the same team in the same role but at a different time. Six months can feel like an eternity in corporate.

As I turned on my laptop, on day one, I was asked, “So, what’s going to happen to Jane²?” Jane was my stand-in while on leave. The question knocked the air out of my lungs. The leader in me responded calmly with, “Well, per the arrangement, she is on secondment and will return to her previous role. This is my role, after all, but I am open to discussions on new ways of work.” But, the insecure human died a little. Could she be better than me at a job I’ve specialized in for years? Does the team like her more? Am I not good enough?

I was bombarded by discussions, on my behalf, on the allocation of parts of my role to Jane. An all too common occurrence for returning moms. It’s almost sinister how maternity leave is seen as a chance to infiltrate the territory of the preoccupied mom-to-be.

My influence and authority in the team definitely shifted on my return, but that’s only natural. I ‘d missed six months of corporate games, after all.

Returning to the office after a long absence and/or a significant life event SUCKS. I’ve spoken to numerous women about their own experiences. I could sense the hesitation in some. They didn’t want to appear ungrateful, wronged, whiny, or weak. I mean, they do have the weight of the entire feminist movement on their shoulders.

But, after a little prodding, the trauma and deep emotions showed through.

^{I felt insecure about my job.}

^{It was like the team didn’t want me back.}

^Lonely!

^{I didn’t feel missed.}

^{I was so tired.}

^{Having twins was so hard.}

^{I felt so sorry for myself.}

^{No one cared.}

^{I had to express milk in my car.}

^{I didn’t have a full night’s sleep for a year.}

^{I was expected to work the same hours as I had before.}

^{I just couldn’t.}

^Isolating!

^{I was scoffed at for wanting to take time off a few months after I returned.}

^{It was like maternity leave was a holiday.}

^{I couldn’t cope. I became depressed.}

^{I needed support.}

^{I put so much pressure on myself to return as if nothing had changed.}

^{No exceptions were made.}

Well, toughen up cookies. These poor little “rich” girls…they had baby showers, were handled with care for nine months, took months off and had their jobs waiting for them. Aren’t we all so sick of entitled moms…?

And therein lies the problem. Giving birth and raising the next generation is seen as an inconvenience. It’s NOT. It’s critical work for a well-functioning society and economy. If we want a thriving human race, than the ability to have a career and a well-cared-for family is a right, not a privilege.

Now, I’m going to stop right there. I am not so bold as to assume that I can tackle “Can women have it all?” or “How to close the gender pay gap”. I’ll leave that to the experts. Rather, I want to call for HUMANITY in the workplace.

Pregnant women and new moms, I know you feel invisible, invalidated, and disposable. But, I want you to know, I SEE YOU.

I see you walking five hundred metres from your car to your desk with ten extra kilograms to carry. I see you with no shoes to wear because your feet grew a shoe size. I see you taking a power nap in your car to get through the day. I see you being overlooked for that promotion because you are going to be away for 4 months. I see you hearing that your role has been made redundant while you are at home with a new-born.

I see you being treated like a subordinate to your stand-in. I see your commitment and ambition being questioned by junior team members I see the child-free career girls with the “Well, that is what you signed up for” smirk. I see the manager who does not acknowledge the significance of this life event. I see the other moms give you a glimpse of sympathy, under an exhausted smile and tired eyes.

And I want to apologize, for being a smug A-HOLE for the 10 years of my career, when I didn’t have kids. I judged moms for leaving early and taking days off for child-related responsibilities. I rolled my eyes at the daily rush they had to endure. Waking up at 4:30 am and already being late. The stressful, pick-up and drop off in peak city traffic…

I CALL FOR A REVOLUTION!

Let’s bring compassion back to the workplace. Not just concerning pregnancy but for everything that constitutes the human experience. Marriage, divorce, the loss of a loved one, physical and mental illness, becoming a caregiver for an ailing family member, dealing with addiction…

I won’t accept the current toxicity that propagates that for ME to win, YOU need to lose. We will win when we ALL win.

There IS enough for everyone.

So let’s pass it around.

XXX

HERS

I feel like I spend my days waiting. It’s an absolute pause, a stop. The brakes are on.

Not the rat race. Not the fast pace.

But it’s not waiting…

It’s a new rhythm. Cherished moments

Being

Calm

When I first saw her, I was overwhelmed by her perfection. Was she really ours? There must be some mistake.

But somewhere, someone thought us worthy.

Worthy of this beauty, this perfection, this innocence.

Let me BE enough. Let me be more than I am.

When she,first, cried uncontrollably in my arms, I said, “If what you need is for me to stand here and hold you all night, then that’s what I will do.”

I meant it.

Whatever it takes,

FOREVER

_{Side notes:}

_{https://www.peoplemanagement.co.uk/news/articles/fewer-than-one-in-five-women-confident-return-maternity-leave}

_{2. Name changed}

4 thoughts on “Maternity leave-the PRIVILEGE, and the PREJUDICE.”

Cavitha says:

September 20, 2020 at 3:22 pm

Thanks for this great read – it’s rare to find such honesty – and yes it’s made me more aware of how I treat especially the new parents in the workplace.

LikeLiked by 1 person
1. Going Brogues says:
  
  September 20, 2020 at 4:18 pm
  
  Thank you for taking the time to read the post Cavi ❤ Everyone can do with a little kindness.
  
  LikeLike
Anonymous says:

November 23, 2020 at 11:14 am

This is such a refreshing read. Parenting and working feels so conflicting, and I felt a lot of mum-guilt over sending my child to nursery. I definitely want it all, I want to be ‘Mummy’ but I also want to be ‘Me’ (and not have to get up at 4am to get to work on time!).

LikeLiked by 1 person
1. Going Brogues says:
  
  November 26, 2020 at 7:09 pm
  
  Thank you for sharing. I do think we can have it all, just not at the same time.
  
  First and foremost we must be kind to ourselves and each other.
  
  LikeLike